CLAUS-TRO-PHOBIA

Been eating too much myself this season. Extra days at the gym. We should be able to spread all this cheer throughout the year instead of cramming it into one month. This essay was printed in the Martha's Vineyard Gazette. Again...no check.

Claus-tro-phobia

The uproar denouncing obesity has reached to the very heart of the Christian world. Santa Claus has become a bad influence on our children. A recent newspaper article condemned the jolly old elf’s rotundity and showed pictures of numerous department store Santas taking aerobics classes. Outrageous!!!

St. Nick was not always obese. Apparently Santa developed his bowl full of jelly belly in the early 1930’s in a Christmas Coca Cola ad, the purpose of which was to show prosperity at a time when there was little. Up until then, as far as anyone can tell, Santa was of average girth. And some people think he should return to his original healthy size.

One has to wonder if it wasn’t all the milk and cookies that did it. Tradition is nice but not if it affects your benefactor’s cholesterol. Which begs the question if you can’t leave Santa milk and cookies, how do you show your annual appreciation? Skim milk and low fat cookies would be a start but that only helps cut some calories. If he has to eat them at every house he visits, he will still consume more than he can work off in one night.

There must be something Santa would like that isn’t a food product. Children love to make Christmas gifts. Hand prints and ash trays are okay for a parent who loves you but I think Santa deserves something a little more spectacular. Someone I know leaves a condom but I’m not sure Mrs. Claus would appreciate his coming home with several million. Besides, I think the reindeer deserve a break on the trip home. All night long they look forward to that empty sleigh and they should have it. After all, how would Santa bring all our goodies were it not for Rudolph and the rest.

A shot of Bourbon might do. I’m sure that on a cold night he would really appreciate it but imagine the scandal of a drunken Santa crashing his sleigh or eight reindeer running loose and leaving piles of reindeer poop all over town. And the question of nutritionally empty calories is still there. No, I guess booze isn’t the answer.

Santa will become the equivalent of great aunt Sadie. She has everything, needs nothing, but you are still obligated to give her a gift that says, “You’re wonderful.” And forget Aunt Sadie’s will, Santa could cross your name off next year’s list.

I simply can’t think of anything that would delight Santa. A spa membership might shut up those health nuts. A nice colorful banner that says WELCOME FAT MAN? (The kids suggested that.) Tickets to the Rose Bowl? He’ll probably still be sleeping off Christmas Eve. A stripper? She’d have to be pretty fast. Don’t forget he’s only in your living room for two and a half minutes. And a stripper without finesse is just a gal getting ready to take a shower.

Well, compromise is the name of the game here and maybe a few calories won’t kill him. If he promises to get a little exercise during the rest of the year I suppose a little low fat milk (no egg nog) and a Frookie or two might be in order. Just don’t tell the health nuts.