FRIENDS FOR LIFE

Sorry I'm so late today posting my blog. I have an old, old friend (from third grade) visiting and I'm having too much fun to think about my obligations!

FRIENDS FOR LIFE

Husbands come and go but a good girlfriend can last a lifetime. Unfortunately even good pals have an occasional squabble. Therefore I am setting down a list of rules, a Pre-Friendship Agreement using Ten Commandment form (although I presently only have seven), that will make life-long friendships manageable for anyone interested. I do admit there are people out there that do not require, or desire friends. If you are one of them please feel free to skip this blog.
I. Thou shalt not complain. If you introduce two of your friends and they wind up liking each other more than they like you, this only proves that neither of these chicks was worthy of your friendship in the first place.
II. Thou shalt not commit boyfriend swap. Never date your girlfriend’s ex. Never, never, never. There are no exceptions to this rule, even if the guy is loaded and has all his hair. There is no man on earth that can replace your best friend. Not even if he’s a movie star and your 10th high school reunion is coming up. Trust me he’ll just dump you the way he dumped her. Probably at the reunion.
III. Thou shalt not leave old friends for new. Replacing old friends with new ones is risky. You will only piss off the old ones, and once the new ones get to know you they may realize you ain’t no prize and drop you like a soapy dish. Remember, your old friends know all about you and hang out with you anyway. That says something.
IV. Thou shalt not criticize. The quickest way to end a friendship is to criticize your pal’s significant other or children. A true friend listens to all the complaints but never comments. If a verbal response is required a "hmmmm" will do. It doesn’t matter if the boyfriend is the ugliest, nastiest, most shiftless excuse for a human being, you must not speak out, because sure as shooting one of these days she is going to realize for herself that he is a worthless dog and when she does she’ll hate you for pointing it out on all those occasions when she was crying into your beer.
V. Thou shalt not borrow. Money has split up more friendships than death has. Do not borrow or lend money to a friend without a written IOU. Even if it’s just a dollar to buy a lottery ticket. And needless to say if the ticket hits you must give her half plus the dollar you borrowed.
VI. Thou shalt not blow off favors. Unless you have a damn good excuse. You can’t have a friendship without favors. It is necessary, therefore, to decide just what kind of favors you are willing to do and have a really good excuse for the ones you won’t do. “I’d love to, dear, but I’m having my mammogram that day,” will not cut it. A request for help on moving day, baby or dog sitting require nothing less than a death or out of town trip. Even then the death must be a close relative or the trip must be for business.
VII. Thou shalt not gossip. Gossiping has gotten every woman on earth in trouble at one time or another. Only a saint refuses to listen, but we have all lost a friend or two because we couldn’t resist passing along that little nugget that was shared during a vulnerable moment. I know it’s fun but you must only gossip about women you don’t care about, no matter how juicy, no matter how earth shattering, you can never repeat anything your best friend tells you in confidence. Especially to your husband.
I’d like to tell you that if you follow my rules your best friend will never desert you. I can’t. But barring death or a move to Borneo it should make it less likely.