TAXMAN

Let me tell you how it will be*¨*•♫♪¸¸.•*¨*•♫ There's one for you nineteen for me….*¨*•♫♪¸¸.•*¨*•♫Taxman*¨*•♫♪¸¸.•*¨*•♫If five percent appears too small*¨*•♫♪¸¸.•*¨*•♫ be thankful I don't take it all……Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman.‎*¨*•♫♪¸¸.•*¨*•♫
Many people think the Beatles had it right. Not me. I don't mind paying my taxes. I really don't. I think that the state and local governments give me a good bang for my buck. Roads, schools, water, police protection, lots of things I really couldn't provide for myself. The feds? Not so much. I think the decisions made in Washington could be better and I just wish they were a little more careful with my money. Take the US Mint for instance. Do we really need cash any more? Everything is electronically transferred these days and now that you can buy a pack of gum with a credit or debit card I'm thinking maybe we could do away with that particular governmental department. Or at least let it go public like the Post Office did, although they're not doing so well either but at least Mr. Taxpayer isn't paying for it. Unless, of course, the government decides to bail them out. Don't get me started.
I believe in scientific research. I really do, but I really resent spending money on frivolous scientific studies. The least the government could do is ask me if I want them to give $50,000 to someone who wants to study why toddlers fall off their tricycles. (It's because they bump into things, in case you wanted to know.) The scientific community would have you think we'd still be in the dark ages if it weren't for their research and studies. I think most grant money goes to subsidize Phd programs and the 'publish or perish' milieu of colleges and universities. In fact a lot of the 20th and 21st century's greatest achievements have occurred in garages by college drop-outs.
I subscribe to a weekly magazine that has a science page. You wouldn't believe some of the wacky things people get grant money for. Researchers at Cornell University, for instance, have spent the last two years analyzing the tweets of 2.4 million people in 84 countries. They discovered a daily pattern that closely follows our innate biological rhythms. Happiness peaks between 6 am and 9 am, falls to a low between 3 and 4 pm then rises to another high after dinner. I don't know how much this cost but I could have given them the same information for nothing.
Another group of researchers videotaped thousand of hours of crickets in the wild and discovered that male crickets will risk their lives to protect females. I must admit I was relieved to know that the taxpayers of the UK paid for that one. A Princeton biologist spent 9 years in Kenya analyzing baboon droppings and discovered the alpha males had 10 percent higher levels of stress hormones than the beta males. I was married to both an alpha male and a beta male and, again, I could have told them that. It's stressful being an alpha male. I'm just trying to figure out how this information will make my life better. Maybe instead of asking a date for his CV girls should ask for a stool sample.
New research by a paleontologist at the University of Texas shows that prehistoric mammals developed larger brains in order to detect smells better. It's ironic to me that once we got bigger brains, detecting smells stopped being so important. MA College of Liberal Arts has a swearing scholar (my question is does he swear or does he study swearing?) whose research suggests that by the time children go to school they are saying all the words parents shield them from. It seems that the kids learn the words from their parents. It's interesting to note that though English has more than 70 profane options, 80 percent of swearing involves only 10 words. Wonder how much that study cost.
Here's a study for which I would have gladly paid. Scientists found that people who reported eating the most chocolate were 37 percent less likely to develop cardiovascular disease and 29 percent less likely to have a stroke than those who ate the least. I'm thinking that people who are deprived of chocolate must drink themselves to death before that plaque can form. And when scientists fed mice a brew of bacteria usually found in yogurt, cheese and bread the mice produced fewer stress hormones. I know I always feel mellow after a baguette and chunk of Brie.
Here's a study I'm thinking was a monumental waste of money. After surveying 13,900 incoming freshmen at 167 schools, a study at George Mason University determined that how much and how frequently a student drinks alcohol is one of the best predictors of the grades they will get. Well, duh!
Never one to complain without offering up a solution I suggest that the government appoint a panel of taxpayers to determine who gets grant money. This should limit the spending to research that will really improve our lives. It could be worse I guess. The French government is paying to research ways to include protein rich insects in their diet. Bugette anyone?