FETE NOIR
Even though I have lived on Martha’s Vineyard for more than nine years I still read the New York Daily News on Sunday. My friend Jules switched from the Times to the Globe, but not me. I’m used to the guys who write the headers for the articles. They amuse me no end. The reason I bring this up is that on Sunday in the summer their travel section lists festivals. All kinds of festivals. Everyone wants summer people to come to their community and spend money. Trumped up festivals, events and contests abound. You can’t blame them. We’ve all seen tourists buy over-priced food and clothing. We’ve done it ourselves. Americans are some of the hardest working people on earth and even if they have to go into hock (I once knew a nurse that took out a new credit card each year for her annual family outing) they are going to enjoy their vacation, damn it! It’s only once a year. Right?
Some of these festivals appeal to me. The Great American Beer Festival in Denver, for example. New York’s Ugly Dog Contest is probably good for a laugh, if you’re not too sensitive. But how many Garlic Festivals can the tourism industry support? And believe me, there are Garlic Festivals everywhere garlic is grown. Bird circuses, twin fests and lumberjack championships have limited appeal, I believe. You’d need something a little more exciting to lure me to Wisconsin.
Lots of towns have turned their fifteen minutes of fame into annual events. Roswell, New Mexico, Steubenville, Ohio, Buffalo, New York, and Hoboken, New Jersey. Roswell, of course, has a UFO fest, Stubenville has a Dean Martin fest, Buffalo a wing fest, and we all know who came from Hoboken.
I recently picked up a small handbook called Beauty From Afar: A Medical Tourist’s Guide to Affordable and Quality Cosmetic Care Outside the U.S. It says you can save 50% to 80%. Now that’s where I might spend my tourism dollars. How about a facelift to go with your culture.
Reading about all these odd-ball festivals piqued my interest. I started to wonder just how far a community would go for money. This curiosity led me to a web site called Festival.com which boasts listings for 25,000 annual festivals world wide. I found many of these events common to all cultures. Fairs, seasonal and food-themed (pumpkin, lemon, apple, strawberry, seafood), there’s a ramp (whatever they are) festival in West Virginia, and a dried bean festival--can’t say that one sounds very exciting, or even tasty. Music festivals abound, featuring jazz, folk, bluegrass, rock and zydeco. Film festivals are growing exponentially and culture fests are big; Greek, Portuguese, Hispanic, and Celtic being the main ones. I’m having trouble with the Salem, Massachusetts culture fest though. In my opinion the words “culture” and “burn at the stake” do not belong together.
Back to Festivals. com. This web site has a map on it and you can check out any country in the entire world. I limited my search to the US since I really can’t imagine traveling to, say, Germany for a wurst eating contest. That’s another hot summer event. Eating contests. I don’t see the point in stuffing an abnormal amount of food down your throat in order to be the last person who barfs. This is supposed to make your mother proud?
Hoping not to be too embarrassed, the first state I visited was my home state of Massachusetts. The first festival that caught my eye was the Hyperflite Skyhoundz Festival in Tewksbury. My friend Jules is a private pilot so, of course, my orientation led me to believe it was an air show. Not so. It’s for frisbee-catching dogs. Believe it or not I found one in every state I visited. The Santa Lucia festival in the North End of Boston sounded pleasing. Lucy’s the Patron Saint of the Eye, but since they boast 100 food push carts, I think they should have chosen the Patron Saint of the Stomach. And in Hawley, Massachusetts, a town of 375 people, they have an entire day of festivities surrounding a pudding contest. Don’t ask me what they do with the pudding.
Next I visited a state that I have always considered having a high level of sophistication. New York had its share of county fairs but the one I found just too soignee for words is held in the Brick Theater in Brooklyn. This year’s play festival is aptly entitled “The Pretentious Festival”. Previous years have included “The Hell Fest, The Moral Values Fest, and The Sell Out Fest”.
Then there’s the Barefoot Dancing Festival in the Bronx. I lived in the Bronx and believe me, I didn’t go barefoot even in my own apartment.
As you would expect, California has an eclectic mix of events. Jules said the Belly Dance Fantasy Festival appealed to him, but we can’t imagine what they do at the Silicone (with an e) Valley Moon Festival besides draw a lot of adolescent boys, and I don’t want to know anything more about the Up Your Alley Street Fair in San Francisco. Especially since it isn’t ”suitable for children due to nudity and X-rated behavior”.
Finding some of these annual events a little weird, I decided to try a couple of states in the heartland. Middle Americans are the salt of the earth. Surely their festivals would be rated PG.
Here again I’ve been proven wrong.
Montana is holding its 25th Annual Testicle Festival. I didn’t check their web site as you had to be eighteen to enter, which always makes me suspicious I’ll see something I’d rather not. They also have a Pagan Pride Day. Well, I guess Montana isn’t one of those Bible Belt states. I was surprised that Minnesota celebrates Mexican Independence Day. I’d have bet most of our south of the border neighbors had never heard of Minnesota much less gone there to live. It’s probably just an excuse to get blitzed on Margaritas. Their Tree Frog Music Festival could show the Vineyarders a thing or two. How about an annual Pinkletink Fest?
If the Vineyard didn’t already welcome more visitors than we can handle, my Internet tour of American festivals would certainly give us plenty of ideas. Other towns can bring in the tourist trade with Fallen Bridge Day and concrete canoe races. If Martha’s Vineyard can have a successful festival based on a movie about sharks that eat tourists, we ought to be able to do more. How about an Annual Tick Fest?
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