ALMOST FREE

I have spent enough time in Mexico to come to the conclusion that the national pastime is haggling. Even if a person's profession isn't in retail they are not above selling things on the side. The Mexican version of a paper route is a child selling boxes of Chicklets. Sitting on the beach, believe it or not, makes me yearn for Martha's Vineyard in August. It is impossible to relax. Peddlers come by in droves trying to sell, well, anything that is available to buy anywhere in the country will eventually make it's way past your beach chair. And like some menus if you don't see what you want just ask. If you refuse to haggle with them they will haggle with themselves until they come up with a price you can both live with. When they are trying to get your attention they say, “Almost free today.” I always reply, “Come back when it’s free.”

ALMOST FREE

Most people don’t read the classified ads unless they want to buy something used and/or cheap. I find they can be almost as amusing as the funny papers. You can imagine how shocked I was last week when I saw a listing for a pine coffin. This, naturally, started me thinking about what circumstances would cause a person to buy a coffin in the first place. Isn’t that usually left up to one’s survivors? And what happened that now makes it unnecessary? Was the guy really sick and got better? Was it purchased for a wake for someone who wanted to be cremated? In that case wouldn’t they have to advertise it as used?

Here on the Vineyard we have a section of classifieds called the Bargain Box. This was developed so people won’t have to lug potentially usable items to the dump and pay for the privilege of getting rid of them. The ad is free and the item must cost no more than $100. As you might imagine many are free. “1962 Studebaker Hawk. Great for parts, just take it away.” And who do you suppose would be looking for parts for such a vehicle? Or Jeep parts--roll bar, convertible top and front grill. What happened to the rest of it?

Recently there was an ad for a “5’5” Red-Tail Boa Constrictor, comes with cage (thank god!) Experience necessary.” Ya think? I don’t know who writes the headers for each ad but this week there was one that said, “Kitchen, Baby, Bike”. Is it legal to sell babies? And “GOATS TO EAT OR BREED”, yuk. One wonders what kind of fur coat you can get for $40. How about bar stools, still in the box. I guess his wife put her foot down. A hospital bed that was only used a few months. I'm not sure I’d sleep well knowing the previous owner croaked on my mattress. “Size 6 wedding gown. Never worn. Paid $500, will sell for $100 or best offer.” My question is did he break it off...or did she gain weight?

I can’t figure out why some places sell manure and some places give it away. And exactly how is an apartment size stove different than a house sized one? And must you get apartment sized food to cook on it? “Two Coffee Air pots, used once”. If they didn’t like the first one why did they buy the second one? I like the ads that seem to talk to me. Several weeks in a row there was an ad for “Five Franklin Planner storage binders, one with slipcover. You know what they cost!” Actually, no. I don’t even know what they are. Then there was, “Roasters, yum, nice size for the pot.” Or, “Free. Handsome rooster to take care of your hens or to have on your plate.” This came, not surprisingly, from someone in West Tisbury. Speaking of chickens, someone was selling 20 month old Rhode Island Reds, laying BIG eggs. Ouch.

I can identify with the person selling, "Collectibles--miniatures, curio/book shelf units." I'm sick of dusting too. And some ads require you to be an insider to even know what is being sold. "Power venters SWG & SWG 2 Series. $99."

After Christmas there is always a plethora of clothing items "new with tags", well meaning gifts I guess but if she didn't even want to exchange it for size you don't know her very well. The one that said beauty sale followed by a list of cosmetics made me think the local Avon or Mary Kay lady was retiring, My personal favorite was, "Fish tank & Scuba gear." Now there's someone with an unusual hobby.

After reading the Bargain Box, if you can't find anything you need or want you just aren't a shopper.