HANDICAP ACCESSIBLE

A boy sat behind me in high school homeroom for four years. I thought he was one of the 'cool' kids and he was being nice to me because we were alphabetically compatible. Turns out he is a kind, sweet soul. He works with people with disabilities and he never ceases to be amazed and humbled by their courage and determination. I think he chose this field (or maybe it chose him) because he was legally blind, something I did not know about him because a. he never told me and b. he didn't bring a dog or white cane to school and I never saw him bumping into things. Anyway, he works with people who god or mother nature or whomever, gave a visible disability, which I prefer to call a variation because all of us no matter how beautiful or physically fit have some sort of disability. Most of them are invisible but are there none the less. Personally I'd rather lose my leg than my sense of humor, something I share with my friend. This one's for you Ronnie.

HANDICAP ACCESSIBLE

When I was a kid I frequently whined “That’s not fair.” My mom would respond “Life isn’t fair and the sooner you get used to it the better.” I never did get used to this concept and I’ve been trying to figure out what to do about it.

The trouble with the world is that it only handicaps horses, sailors and golfers. I think handicapping is a great idea and it should be expanded to cover everyone and everything. It would, to use a cliché which will draw a collective sneer from my writers’ group, level the playing field. The world is set up to reward people who work hard or have talent. Americans have a win at all cost ethos. But what about all the talentless slackers out there? For instance what about a clumsy girl with a bad memory who is just dying to be a waitress? A handicap would give her a shot. Or a college student who had been playing ‘school’ since she was in kindergarden and wants to teach but has pathological stage fright? A system of handicapping would give these underdogs a chance.

I went to a football game the other day. The home team was ahead 35 to 0 at the half. If the teams were handicapped the losing team would get to play the opposing team’s cheerleaders during the second half of the game. They might not do any better but they’d have a heck of a lot more fun.

I know a woman who is an awful cook. Her turkey is stringy, mashed potatoes like glue and, heaven forbid, she even serves that jellied cranberry sauce from a can, but everyone wants to go to her place on Thanksgiving. Her handicap? A huge, high definition flat screen T.V., desserts from the best bakery in town and the bar of an Irish pub.

Now, I can hear many of you saying that handicapping will destroy ambition. I disagree. When it comes to ambition you’ve either got it or you don’t. We all know at least one kid who was, unfortunately, born without that ambition gene. Wouldn’t a handicap make you feel much better about her? (I say her here because my ambitionless kid happens to be a her.) Yes, kids that aspire to be professional caddies deserve a sense of pride as much as your nephew attending Harvard Medical School.

One way that handicapping could make a better world is in the area of relationships. Knowing that in order to find your soul mate you must be in the right place at the right time can be downright daunting. If the wealthy/brilliant/beautiful sometimes resort to ads in the personals what chance do the rest of us poor slobs have? I propose a new section of classifieds that would be called Bargain Box Personals. This would be for the people who just wouldn’t get any play in the regular personals. For instance: “Unemployed SWM, short, fat, and bald seeks uneducated SWF, 18-40, who doesn’t cook and hates long walks on the beach for possible marriage and production of substandard children.”

I have developed a plan. In order for handicapping to work, each newborn will be assigned a personal handicapper. Much like a personal trainer, this person will be a professional who determines a life plan for each individual. Since this is an expensive proposition I figure the whole program needs to be funded by the federal government. Somewhat like Social Security. Congress can raise the start up money by throwing cake sales and silent auctions. It will soon fund itself with taxes generated from all the previously predestined unemployed who will find their niche in the work force.

In future generations when children whine to their mothers that life isn’t fair, they will get the reply, “Of course it is sweetie. If life wasn’t fair you wouldn’t have a handicap!”