PLUS SIZE MY A....

Been back from Mexico for a week. Takes that long to go through the mail, including the fifty pounds of catalogs. It isn't prime catalog season--only a few minor holidays--Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day and Easter. Not big gift giving events. I do go through each and every one though since I never know what might be out there that I need. I usually am not even aware I need it until I see it and then it becomes a compulsion. I've complained about catalogs before but when you live on an Island with no chain stores except Stop & Shop and True Value Hardware mail order is a necessity.

PLUS SIZE MY A...

The first time I got a plus size woman’s catalog in the mail I was heartbroken. Not that I wasn’t plus-sized--a euphemism for fat--I was. But because now the mail order universe knew it. I must have ordered something that was extra large and they sold my address to Lane Bryant and all the other emporiums that cater to women of a certain girth and heft. I’ve never ordered from most of them and in spite of their numerous threats that this would be my last catalog, they keep coming. Now that I’m not plus-sized any more I enjoy looking through them. It amuses me the way they try to make oversized clothing look both fashionable and comfortable. We all know that fashionable is the antithesis of comfortable. Just try walking around town on a 5 inch high heel.

The words they use are designed to make it appear that their fabrics will perform miracles. One catalog uses the catch phrase “Stretch! Make it your #1 solution for comfort.” Spandex is to chubbies what silk and lace are to brides. If it doesn’t have spandex but is called “comfort knit” watch out, because when it stretches it won’t shrink back and you’ll wind up looking like a bag of cats. One bathing suit brand is called “Inches Off” and has four way stretch. To accomplish the wonders promised it would have to stretch in a lot more ways than four. And I’m sorry--if it stretches it just isn’t denim.

The garment industry has figured out if they give their wares a name people will clamor for their product. Hence all the fancy brand labels these days. They make the buyers feel they’re wearing designer duds. For example, J.C. Penney has Cabin Creek and K Mart has Jaclyn Smith. Apparently being a Charlie’s Angel was good for something. One plus sized catalog is called Woman Inside. Inside what I’m not quite sure. Their “brand” is 220. I can’t help but wonder if this is the average weight of their customers. They brag that their sizes go from 16W to 28W. They claim the W stands for woman but I know it means wide.

These items have lots of stretch to them. They use adjectives such as slenderizing, elasticized, and flattering. They are soft for all day comfort. They have things like powernet tummy panels. They use micro stretch fabric. Trust me, even macro stretch is not going to do the job.

The items in the lingerie section look pretty but the descriptions sound as though they were written by a dominatrix. The undies have a magic mesh insert that trims midriff and waist. What they don’t tell you is that if they’re small enough to make you look trimmer you'll wind up getting gangrene. The bras look as though they shouldn’t be worn without a horned helmet. They have the Magic Lift, Magic Lift Plus, Easy Enhancer (do these women really need enhancement?), and Comfort Choice bras. They must be designed by architects who studied flying buttresses.

My personal favorite is the Instant Shaping Comfort Bra. If your breasts need shaping, I think it’s time to give up. And how comfortable can it be to cram your breasts into a shape they don’t want to be in? They also have sports bras but I doubt they sell any. If we participated in sports we could order our clothes from regular catalogs.

I can understand the desire for comfortable shoes. Their brands include Comfort View and Soft Spots. They are mostly flats except for one which boasts a 1 & 3/4 inch, broad heel. They also advertise traction soles. Sounds like a 4X4 to me.

The plus size fashion industry tries too hard. They’ve come up with fashions that don’t quite make it. Their “mega tunic” looks as if it should only be worn to the Crusades, and calling it a “big shirt” doesn’t make it a fashion item. It’s just a big shirt. I don’t think shoulder pads are a good way to go, either, for women who already look like refrigerators. And the dresses. Be honest and call them what they are, muumuus. Who decided that stitching the crease down the front of your slacks is slimming? I think it’s great for women who don’t like to iron, but slimming? Another selling point for their pants is that they are fuller through the hips. Wheee. Just like me!

In these exercise and health conscious days the people who write the catalogs have found a way to keep their plus sized customers coming back for more. They inspire snacking. All the colors are named after foods. For instance: butter cream, spearmint, rhubarb, peach, popcorn, chocolate, sherbet, shrimp--you get the idea. To wash it down? Claret, burgundy and lemonade. This is subliminal manipulation. First the food court at the mall and now this. Where, oh where, will it end?