THINGS I REALLY NEED...

I made the mistake of ordering something from a catalog. Apparently this put me on every mailing list in existence. I get so many catalogs I think I may personally be responsible for the demise of the rain forest. Unfortunately this is a common mistake among people who move to the Vineyard. The abrupt withdrawal of shopping venues turns women into buying fanatics. I say women because men don't have a shopping gene. Straight men, that is. My friend Jules says it must be on the leg of the second X chromosome that women have. He doesn't understand why I like to browse the stores. He follows me around looking about as bored as a person can look and still be conscious. I keep telling him that I can't possibly know what I might need unless I know it exists. His feeling is that you shouldn't even enter a store unless you know exactly what it is you want and where in the store you will find it. This eliminates impulse buying, he says. He doesn't see the connection between impulse buying and the health of the country's economy. But I digress…which my friend Ronnie says should be on our tombstones.
Back to the catalogs. They are filled with items I have a hard time imagining anyone would buy, yet they must or else where would the money for new catalogs come from? Take the fish agility training set for example. I can't remember the last time I saw an aquarium in anyone's house. And I would think that the fish would be about as agile as they are going to get. For $12.95 (plus tax and shipping) you can get a plaque that says, "Never trust a dog to watch your food." Isn't this something that everyone with a dog has learned long ago? We don't need a sign on the wall to remind us. Then there's the marshmallow shooter (marshmallows not included) that will shoot a mini marshmallow over thirty feet. I'm thinking this is something the cleaning lady will truly love, not to mention the ants and other hungry vermin roaming around your house.
I don't need an electric whoopee pie maker, I buy mine pre-made, or a tea infuser, that's what tea bags are for. And beauty products. I saw an ad for a wrinkle fighting skin care cream that's made of stem cells from an apple. They can't fool me--haven't we all seen apples a little past their prime? They get wrinkled! Maybelline has come out with a vibrating mascara wand. I have enough trouble putting regular mascara on without smearing it all over. I don't need one with a motor in it.
I have come across a couple of items that could be helpful. TriSlide silicone spray for thighs is meant to prevent chafing. As Martha Stewart would say, this is a good thing. With the price of oil ever on the rise, an electronic pajama warming pouch could be useful. It heats up your pjs to 118 degrees. Comfy!
The catalog I find has the most expensive yet useless stuff doesn't come in the mail, it is in every seat pocket on every airplane you and I have ever been in. Yes I am referring to the infamous Sky Mall Catalog. The early spring 2009 edition featured on the cover the limited edition Star Trek Captain's Chair life-size replica. It features light-up controls and sound effects from the original TV show. It costs $2717.01 ($400 shipping and handling) and only 1710 have been made. Not to mention the world's only swim mask that has an integrated waterproof (it would have to be wouldn't it?) digital camera. Or the mahogany finished hardwood luxury pet residence--just because it looks nice doesn't mean it's not a cage. This catalog, ladies and gentlemen, is why your airline fees continue to soar.
The Sharper Image has a Delux Nose/Ear Hair Trimmer (batteries not included) that has a built in vacuum. Don't think I've ever seen a guy with THAT much nose hair! My personal favorite is the Mangroomer. It's a do-it-yourself electric back-hair shaver, "fully extendable and adjustable to reach all areas of the back for only $39.99." If there's anything I hate it's a man with back stubble.