PERSON SEEKING PERSON

Personal ads can amuse and amaze you once you learn to read between the lines. People who write their own ads go from uber egos to no egos at all but there is one thing they all have in common. None of them are completely truthful. Take Sensitive Guitar Player. He’s a young looking 57, considered cute (how many men do you know that use that word?), plays tennis, guitar, and loves animals. What is he leaving out? Is he an unemployed musician? Tennis pro? Is he four feet tall?
If you read the same paper every day you get to know the people who advertise. You start to feel sorry for the ones who are there day after day, week after week. Either that or you think they are being just too fussy. Some of the ads could be worded better…don't the personals have an editor? Like the guy who enjoys 'music, writing poetry and a lot of other things.' Who's he trying to kid? There aren't that many Renaissance men out there any more. The guy who works as a life coach probably should have left that out of his ad. He certainly won't get any clients when they find out he needs to advertise in the newspaper for a date. If he can't help himself how's he supposed to help them?
Some of the ads are very detailed and some are vague. I image the really detailed ones don’t get too many replies. The vague ones can be almost anything the seeker wants them to be. How about Athletic Single Guy who’s looking for ‘ a female’. I guess he figures that pretty much covers it. I’m betting this is his first ad and after getting pictures from a few dozen bowsers he’s going to be more specific next time. I mean, he must have a few standards.
Some are asking the impossible. Take Pretty and Petite in central Jersey. She is looking for a “sane, kind, communicative, intelligent, warm man.” Come on honey--what planet are you from? Have you ever met one?
There are certain buzz words that the naive don’t understand. If you want to snag a man you need to mention things like football, pizza, beer, and Harleys. If you want to snag a woman list long walks on the beach, dinning out, the theater, and children. Gay men might mention antiques, show tunes, and feng shui and lesbians should probably include horses and feminism. Cliches are cliches for a reason.
If the SWF says she’s interested in a man with a good personality you don’t have to look like Brad Pitt but if she is looking for someone who is employed I’m betting if you’re a barista at Starbucks she won’t be impressed.
Other descriptions I don’t get. What is a semi-professional? And just how much money constitutes ‘financially secure’? I guess it depends on your budget.
It's imperative to be able to translate the language if one wants to find love in an ad. For example under Men Seeking Women, someone is looking for a gal who 'has something going on for herself'. Anybody got a clue what that means? How about a guy that says children are a plus? My first thought would be he's a pedophile. I've always been a suspicious sort and the kind of guy who would be thrilled to take on a passel of someone else's screaming brats sounds too good to be true. I know the guy who likes romantic evenings at home is bound to be a cheap skate (I was married to one of those). And don't most 42 year old men have all their hair and teeth? Why would he need to mention it unless that's all he has. I can't figure out why the 82 year old guy would think that his condo's 'very large rooms' would be a draw. He was the same guy who was interested in possible marriage. Boy won't his heirs be pleased to hear that. The guy in his late 70's wants to spend time getting to know each other. At that age there isn't a lot of time. And the 80 year old looking for friendship, maybe more. Someone should tell him that soon there won't be any more. Personally I think the possible marriage ruse is just a way to get dates. Most men aren't really interested in marriage, just sex, and with Viagra age is no longer an issue.
I notice a lot of health related ads. I don't think the guy who describes himself as an HIV positive male in good health will get many takers, and you know the men who are looking for nurses must be old geezers who need someone to change their adult diapers. The term 'flexible' comes up in ads a lot. I would think if it's a man he means he's not stubborn. If it's a woman it might mean she's good in bed, but I'm just guessing here.
Even though there are about equal numbers of ads from men and women the women's ads are just more thoughtful to me. They seem to have more experience delineating what they want. Like the woman who's ad is entitled "Seeking Wonderful Man." Well…aren't we all? The women want men who are financially secure (and if you're over 65 this does not mean you are living on social security), communicative (a communicative man? there's an oxymoron if I ever heard one), and honest and easy to get along with. Another oxymoron. Now let's face it, if he's truly honest he won't be easy to get along with especially when you ask him if the pants you have on make your butt look big.
The men's needs are simpler if less likely. They tend to describe themselves rather than the women they want. Remember the 42 year old guy with all his own teeth and hair. Basically, I think most of them are just looking for another mother.
Grandkids are always asking "how did you and grandma meet?" hoping to get a romantic answer like "I watched her throw a coin into the Trevi Fountain and walked up to her and told her her wish had come true." Somehow "I found her in the classifieds" just doesn't sound romantic.