DON'T FORGET THE PRE-NUP

Once you've picked out that special someone and agreed on a date for the wedding, I suggest a pre-nup. If you follow my guidelines you'll either have a lifetime of bliss or you'll cancel the wedding.

ALWAYS PACK THE PRENUP
OR
DON’T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT

I’ve always maintained that a prenuptial agreement should govern one’s behavior during the marriage, not when it ends. I think people, except when the rich marry the poor, feel that it’s a bad omen to plan the divorce before the wedding has taken place. These days most people live together before they get married, so there shouldn’t be too many shocks. There is ample opportunity to decide what you will tolerate and what you will not.
My first suggestion is to sit down and write a list of things that are important to you. These things should be covered in the agreement. Partners will think about their beloved’s weight, hair length, what chores fall into each person’s job description, for instance, laundry, lawn mowing, changing diapers, etc. It would be nice to know just how many hours of T.V. sports your new wife is willing to put up with. Naming the kids will be important. Do not give up veto power or you could end up with a daughter named Spike or a son named Princess. Mother-in-law rules can be tricky. If she lives out of town, vacations and length of visits need to be in writing unless, of course, she is coming to help care for a new infant, in which case, if she’s willing to get up in the middle of the night she can stay as long as she wants. If she lives down the road and is willing to baby sit, suck it up and keep your mouth shut. With the cost of child care these days you may save enough for the kid’s college tuition.
One thing a groom-to-be should seriously consider is just how much crap he is willing to schlep to the beach. Some type of food and drink, surely, is a necessity. A cooler so large it needs wheels is not, no matter how many children you have. Speaking of kids, if they want it, they carry it. No exceptions. A small shovel, pail and towel should be adequate. After all they’ve got a beach and an ocean. What more do they need?
The mother of the bride is usually too busy planning the wedding of a lifetime to give her daughter practical advice. Or maybe she’s afraid that if she tells it like it is the kid’ll change her mind. This would be a disaster since the wedding will be her dream, just as her’s was her mother’s dream. Even though brides are starry eyed and “so in love”, they need to think about their future. I’m not talking alimony here, I’m talking about what will actually happen after the honeymoon. And honey it ain’t, as they say, a bed of roses. Those annoying little habits that used to be so cute will grate on your nerves after a while. Socks on the floor, snacking on ingredients meant for dinner and of course the toilet seat question, all need to be addressed in your prenup. Beer bellies, underwear full of holes, toenails that need clipping, shave-free weekends--need I go on? And all mother-in-law rules apply to both parties. And if you can’t cook and don’t intend to learn--put it in writing.
A well thought out prenup will stop 90% of marital arguments in their tracks. Copies of the document should be left where they can be easily referred to when an issue arises. Kitchen, bedroom, car, and for God’s sake, always pack one in your suitcase. Pointing out car rule number one, requiring him to stop for directions, could very well save your entire vacation.
After ten or fifteen years of marriage you may be tempted to revisit your prenup. I can’t state this strongly enough. Don’t. What do you think has provided these years of marital bliss? You don’t want to unleash the inner monster. You can add but never, never delete. Add, you say? Of course. People change and things crop up. Anything you knew before the marriage is off limits but new behaviors are fair game.
Did Lamby-pie get a dental implant that he sucks vigorously after meals to rid it of particulate matter? Did that last maternity leave turn into an endless vacation? When the children come along and start disturbing your formerly idyllic home life, by all means renegotiate but keep in mind that at this point your lists are apt to be lengthy.
Now that you think you’ve prepared the perfect prenup you’ve got to be wondering what happens, and it will happen, when a spouse turns into a louse and breaks a rule. Suppose that during your superbowl party, surrounded by all the guys that mean the most to you, the little woman (who is ticked off for some unknown reason) announces to everyone in ear shot that you are crappy in bed. (I have it on good authority that this is every male’s worst nightmare.) This is why you must include penalties in your document. Sanctions that will cause either mate to think twice before behaving badly.
Withholding sex is not an option. It’s too easy to get elsewhere. If I were going to lose, say, one month of restaurant meals, I would certainly reconsider any unpermitted action. Your document should include all your beloved’s favorite things. (For help with this go to www.prenup.com.)
I’m sure no judge would uphold this type of prenuptial agreement. However, it acts like a nuclear weapon. The deterrent you hope you never have to use.