A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME

Well summer is in full swing. How do I know? People keep asking me for directions. Never happens off season!


A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME

Was it Shakespeare who said, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet”? I wonder how many would stop to smell it if it were named skunk cabbage.
Most people don’t realize what an awesome responsibility it is to choose a name for someone or something. This has become evident to me as I listen to the Coast Guard channel on my boat radio. I’m pretty certain that the guy who thought he was being clever never believed he’d have to use the words “naked lady” and “is sinking” in the same sentence. Thank God the Coast Guard is staffed with well trained professionals or I could imagine them taking their time to aid a boat named AK-47 or Lucky Bastard.
Boat names say a lot about their owners. I pass one on the West Tisbury road that has been in dry dock for years, which is just as well, since it’s named M.V. Brew Crew. Manning the tiller under the influence is frowned upon these days. Joke names can get you into trouble too. I wonder how the congregation would feel if their minister named his boat Second Collection. You can always change the name of a boat, however, even though they say it is bad luck. My friend Jules bought a used boat named Brenna. He changed it to his wife’s name. He said it would have been bad luck not to.
Naming people should be a very serious business, since a name can shape a person’s entire future. Adolf was out of fashion for many years as you can well imagine. Jesus is popular in the Latin American countries but I don’t know of a single one in the English speaking world. Rhyming names should be forbidden by law. I recently read an article about a minister named Floyd Flake. As if Flake weren’t bad enough. I’m sure he became a minister because he felt that the only place people wouldn’t snicker was in a church. I went to school with a Donald McDonald. It could have been worse, I suppose. They might have named him Ronald. What do you name a kid if their last name is a first name? John Peter would be one. Then there are the parents that think a last name makes a sophisticated first name, like Smith Jones.
My friend Jonathan has been eternally grateful that when he came along his mother won the name game, otherwise he would have gone through life as Raoul. A little dramatic for day to day usage, don’t you think?
I don’t agree with giving a child a name with the intention of permanently using a nickname. A nickname should evolve naturally due to an outstanding trait (my brother’s flaming red hair garnered him “Carrot Top” in his youth and “Cherry” in High School) or because the birth name is too long or formal for a kid (so the nickname is something a slightly older sibling usually coins). I knew a John who was called Jack his whole life. I couldn’t figure out why you would give someone with a four-letter name a four-letter nickname. Of course everyone thought I was being picky. Then there are the Nadlers who named their son Charlie. When someone suggested they might want to name him Charles they replied, “That’s his nickname.”
The names of streets, geological formations and bodies of water can be just as vexing for me. Necks, for instance. There are lots of necks on the Island; Felix Neck, Starbuck’s Neck, Scrubby Neck, North Neck. I could go on. No one is able to tell me exactly what a neck is though. And what is a bottom? Waldron’s Bottom and Deep Bottom have me pondering.
You have to admit the people of Martha’s Vineyard do not have a lot of imagination when it comes to naming streets. A sense of humor but not imagination. When 911 went into effect there was a mass scurry to name all the streets, lanes and avenues that had up to now been known as the first right after the big oak, or the last left past the fishing shack or whatever. They tend to use the same names over and over, too. Herring Creek is popular. There is one in Edgartown and two in Tisbury. Meetinghouse? Three in Edgartown one in Chilmark. Church Street? That’s not fair. Every town in the country has one. After all, America was settled for religious freedom. My favorite? A toss up between Old Dirt Road and Goah Way.
Just like with people, the name of a street can shape a neighborhood’s fortunes. I understand it is hard to sell a house on Old Squaw Lane. I know I wouldn’t want to have that on my stationery. A town in Wisconsin has an Easy Street--might be nice to live there. Don’t think I’d care for Dirty Ankle Road in North Carolina. But for me, Waukesha, Michigan takes the cake, though, with Psycho Path. I have to say there are days...
The trouble with not naming streets as soon as they come into existence is that they develop names over time that mean something to some people but not to others. The Edgartown-Vineyard Haven Road (or the Vineyard Haven-Edgartown Road depending on which end you’re at) is a case in point. In Edgartown they call it the Vineyard Haven Road and in Vineyard Haven, well you get the idea. In a place where the average tourist asks the average Islander directions an average of 500 times a summer, this can get very confusing.
Then there are the streets that have several different names. There is a road in West Tisbury that goes from Scotchman’s Lane to North Road that is not very long but on the map it has three sections, each with a different name--South Road, State Road and North Road. Clevelandtown Road turns into Meshacket Road, but I’ve never been able to discern why, or maybe more important, where.
Most of the waterways on the Island have sensible names except for Lagoon Pond. Is it a lagoon or is it a pond? The great ponds are either named for the town they are closest to (with the exception of Tisbury Great Pond which is nearest to West Tisbury), or better yet have Wampanoag names. I think this is eminently appropriate even though it takes wash-ashores like me years to learn the pronunciation. Maybe that’s good though. Maybe you’re not a true Vineyarder until you can pronounce Sengekontacket, Wequobsque and Wasque correctly in a sentence.