GREENING FROM EAR TO EAR
As conservationists go I consider myself a moderate tree hugger. I’m all for protecting my environment and might even consider one of those hybrid cars if the price of gas keeps going up, but don’t even suggest that I shouldn’t be using those little zippered storage bags that have made my life so easy. I believe in conservation but let’s balance it with convenience. After all, isn’t that why Americans work so hard? So we can afford all that modern life has to offer?
Alternate fuel methods seem to be the way to go if we want to save the planet. The first thing we need to do is arrest everyone who owns a Humvee. Then let’s offer an MIT scholarship to any kid who can come up with a car that runs on junk mail. Better yet how about transforming spam, the e-mail kind not the canned meat, into electricity? I wouldn’t mind getting so much if it ran my computer. My friend Jules read an article in The Boston Globe about fat thieves. People who own bio diesel cars can’t find adequate sources of used cooking oil to run them and are breaking into restaurant storage vats to fill their tanks. It seems to me maybe McDonald's should branch out. Fill your tank while you feed your kids. The ultimate convenience, wouldn’t you say? I understand you can also use bacon fat. That must smell good. Imagine rolling down the highway and being overcome with an intense desire for a Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast.
I think the guy that invented styrofoam, if he isn’t already spending eternity in a casket made of this miracle product, should be forced to rub his front teeth against a cup made out of it for several hours a day. What happened to cardboard cups? Unless they’ve developed a bionic form that I’m not aware of, it’s still biodegradable. Do we really need to keep our coffee hot for four hours? Just drink it for god’s sake. I went out to eat the other night and wanted to bring home the three chicken wings I hadn’t consumed. The waiter brought me a styrofoam box big enough to bury a dead cat. What happened to those paper doggie bags and Chinese take-out containers? Again--biodegradable. They’re called leftovers because I’m not going to eat them for a while. They don’t have to stay warm! They still put pizza in cardboard and it’s supposed to stay hot till you get home.
It would be nice if those geniuses at the Apple computer company that came up with the iPod, iMac and iPhone would spend five minutes on an iWrap. Everything in the grocery store should come in a container that is usable, edible, or biodegradable. Think about all the boxes and bottles in the cleaning aisle. When I was a kid we had maybe three or four cleaning products. Tide, Clorox, Bon Ami and Pinesol. Now there are too many to count. If an alien landed in Edgartown and strolled into the Stop and Shop he would naturally assume that Earthlings spent all their time rolling around in mud. Do we really need a separate product that cleans the inside of a dishwasher? The detergent that cleans the dishes isn’t good enough? Wouldn’t it be nice if the bottle your laundry detergent came in could be used for one last load? Or your Porterhouse steak package melted into a Bernaise sauce? Come on, this is winning science fair stuff. If they can make an expensive fabric out of used plastic soda bottles, making an edible plastic bag should be a snap.
Speaking of science, how come they always seem to look for the most complicated solution to a problem? Take the hole in the ozone layer for example. It’s been studied for years and the best they can come up with is to stop doing what we did to cause it. Now, I’m no scientist, but I did learn how to make ozone in chemistry class. I bet if you offered extra credit, most high school students would be willing to stay after class to produce enough ozone to plug the hole and extra for the government to keep in reserve, right next to their oil.
The more indestructible materials we produce the more disposable our society becomes. Things are made to last but not to keep. Have you tried to find a TV repairman lately? No such duck. Technology has become so cheap it’s more economical to replace than repair. How many times have I heard, “It’ll cost ya’ more to fix it than to buy a new one.” The landfills are full of broken TVs, computers, cell phones, electronics of all kinds. I bet if you shred all that stuff and add a bit of crazy glue you could build a bike path that even Lance Armstrong wouldn’t sneer at.
Some tree huggers stay green to the end. In an effort to embrace the Biblical ashes to ashes, dust to dust philosophy, environmentalists are eschewing what has become the traditional type of burial and returning to an eco friendly method. These new ‘green’ cemeteries are located in pretty, wooded areas. The non chemically enhanced deceased are buried in cotton shrouds or biodegradable coffins, making the plot recyclable. The only requirement is a note from your doctor that you don’t have titanium teeth, hips, knees or knuckles.
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