HERE COMES BIG BROTHER

The newest gadget has arrived. Apple's iPad hit the stores last week. Everybody's raving about it but I just don't understand the hoopla. Nobody ever asks me what I would like the geeks to invent to make my life easier. I have a computer. Don't need anything else. In fact I don't even NEED the computer. What I could use is an iMaid or an iDo Windows. Some day you will be able to download everything in your brain onto your computer. Being able to retrieve my memory will be great when senility sets in. It will just add one more thing to my morning ablutions.

HERE COMES BIG BROTHER!

Technology has stripped us of any privacy we may have had. We stand naked to the world. The computer has outed every one of us. Once you plug in that old PC and connect yourself to the internet you’ve invited the world’s eye into your home. If you go to one web site they have you. The second time you go it will say “Welcome Carolyn, please log in”. If I haven’t logged in yet how the hell do they know it’s me?

I think I was the last person in this country to get an answering machine. No, I take that back, I know of one other person. One. Technology is not my strong suit. I have trouble with cell phones. I really don’t want people to reach me every waking second, but if I don’t answer, my technologically savvy daughter leaves me a rude message, “Why bother having a cell phone if you’re not going to leave it on?” “In case I have an emergency” isn’t a satisfactory answer for her. And I really hate people with caller ID. When you call someone they shouldn’t be able to answer, “Hi Carolyn”. That really creeps me out. It’s like some supernatural being is out there telling people I’m about to call. “Stand by, Carolyn O’Daly is dialing your number.” And what about that Do Not Call list? It exempts charities. I don’t know about you but half my unwanted dinner time calls are from the Fraternal Order of somebody or other.

I was at the Stop and Shop today. If I use a discount card the register keeps track of how much money I’ve saved during the year. My question is - what other information about me do they have stored? I’m convinced the computer evaluates what I’ve purchased and spits out the appropriate coupons. I bought a bottle of spicy salsa and received a coupon for Tums. This doesn’t strike me as random. In case you didn’t know--if you use a credit card the liquor store keeps a record of how much you spend. Now that seems just plain wrong to me. People can no longer be closet drinkers.

Don’t get me wrong, all technology is not bad. When I’m sick and have to go to the doctor I want all that modern science has to offer. Use those diagnostic tools to get me well. But my car? What happened to the friendly neighborhood mechanic who used to figure out what was wrong by the sound it made? “Is it more of a ka-chug or a clank?” he’d ask me. If I recreated the sound faithfully over the phone he could tell me what was wrong, how long it would take him to fix and what it would cost. Not any more. There are so many computerized parts in a modern automobile it takes a Bill Gates or Steve Jobs to figure it out.

I heard an advertisement on the radio for a talking scale. Now I don’t know about you but I do not want a scale that will shout out how much I weigh. Especially before I’ve had my morning coffee. And what else does it say? “Get off, get off you fat pig. You’re squashing me!” “Why don’t you stop eating so much. Don’t you have any will power at all?” Doesn’t the thought just make you shudder?

If you believe what you see on television you can’t have fun without a computer any more. Game boys, Ipods, MP3 players, Nintendos. When I was a kid I was thrilled with a coloring book and package of Crayolas. It didn’t even have to be the one with 64 colors. Now, if it doesn’t have a screen or beep, the kids aren’t interested. And speaking of kids, I don’t like the way things are going there either. You shouldn’t have to ask your five year old to program the VCR for you. Oops. I admit it. I still have a VCR, and my success rate of taping a show when I’m not home is about three percent.

If you aren’t techno literate these days it’s like being an immigrant who doesn’t speak the language. The 800 numbers they give you in the manual under ‘troubleshooting’ don’t help either. The geeks that answer the phone are like aliens. They assume if you have a piece of equipment you are familiar with what it does. Not necessarily so, and it’s embarrassing to admit that you didn’t know you had to plug it in, or get software for it, or whatever.

Back in 1969 when I went to see the movie “2001 - A Space Odyssey” I got a big laugh out of the concept that a computer could take over. I’m not laughing anymore.